Wish everything was better.
Why I don’t let many people close to me now.
No constant back pain. The inability to sleep or when I do sleep the struggle to wake up and begin my day. I hate this and I’ve swore to make myself better, and the past couple of days were a step up from last week and the week before. Since I fucked today up let’s just hope I can manage next week better.
My life has been one big realisation lately and this is another. I become far too attached and caring for those I let close to me. So much so that I get too wrapped in their lives and don’t focus on myself. I let their problems and issues become mine to try and help them when a lot of the time I only end up hurting myself. There are many people who I have madly strong connections with that I can’t bring myself to let in because of the fear of when something goes bad it’ll be the end of our friendship. I love so many people but the fear sucks and so does the potential for drama or backlash. Why can’t everyone just get along?
I know that there have been people worried/confused with what is going on with me.
This is something that will take time for me to get over, in my mind this has been building for years, pretty much every year for the past 4 someone very close to me has passed. This affected my academic career more than anything else. At least until this year. The death of my father hit me hard (as it would for anyone) but the timing made it so so much worse. A couple of weeks before Christmas and so suddenly.
My mind has been all over the place to be honest and I am yet to find a proper release for all of these emotions. I think I need a holiday to be honest, it’s becoming quite apparent to not just me but others as well that I am on the verge of a total breakdown but that is why I’ve been letting it out in short bursts. It might also be that it’s been so long since I was truly happy that this is all I know now. We’ll see.
The darkest timeline became a reality for me, some of the worst things I could imagine happened however, once I am emotionally stable again I’m pretty confident I will be immoveable.
This has been a rough year for many of us and some of us, myself included, the hardest year of our lives yet. Make no mistake though, although I may be broken just now and struggling to keep my head up when I get through this I will be a force to be reckoned with. I know what my past experience has done to me and for me. Before my fathers passing I was one of the strongest people around, capable of dealing with everything at once. Soon I will be back on top form and soon I will be at peace with myself and able to move forward and power through and once again be on top form.